They say your morning mood could affect your entire day. Pagi ini gue ketrigger mengingat luka hati sendiri yang belum lembuh. Mood langsung berantakan. Bawaannya pengin nanguy aja. Gue nonton video klip yang ngga relate sama kisah hidup gue saat ini aja nangis. Makin siang gue merasa lagi di posisi yang ngga enak banget. Tadinya mau nyimpen itu sendiri tapi ngga kuat dan akhirnya speak up di grup wa yang sekarang isinya cuma gue, adik, sama nyokap. Abis itu nelpon nyokap dan sampe sekarang masih belum nemu jalan keluar dari posisi ngga enak itu.
Well, gue ngga pengin terus-terusan di kondisi mood gue jelek seharian. I made some efforts to boost my mood up salah satunya dengerin lagu. Waktu dengerin lagunya Javablanca yang judulnya Tentang Diriku, I wish I could said the way this song tells us about. Waktu gue dengerin lagunya Tulus yang judulnya tukar jiwa, I was like...this is what I wanna say to my crush. I want him to know what I feel about him from my point of view, the way I admire him, the way I love him. Please listen to it biar paham maksud gue.
However....
I feel it's all different now. The way I think about him tuh sekarang beda. Kayak perlahan udah jadi biasa aja. Padahal dulu gue selalu excited kalo dia ngliat ig story gue. Selalu penasaran dan secara naifnya berharap dia punya perasaan yang sama kayak gue ke dia. We once had a short conversation after such a long time. I feel excited for the moment. Tapi dari percakapan itu gue simpulin...ini ngga bisa kayak gini terus. Since he was not into me, why do I have to waste my energy to think someone who doesn't into me. Ya kan? And finally this almost 4 years feeling could changed by the time...
Experience is the best teacher. Di kehidupan gue yang sekarang, gue makin bertemu banyak orang. Speaking about the guys, mereka yang gue temui saat ini emang lebih heterogen dibanding laki-laki yang gue temui di jaman kuliah (Well, this introvert girl studied in psychology departemen which has less men jadi ketemunya cowok yang itu-itu aja). I don't lie, sometimes my heart get flattered by the way they treat me nicely.
Gue lagi di usia yang kalo dari teorinya Erickson ada di tahap intimacy vs isolation. No wonder sometimes gue tuh ada keinginan buat punya partner in relationship context. Sebenernya dari dulu ada, but nowadays I started to use my brain to think rationally. This might be a part of growing up process. Once I used to think "how do I deserve someone that I like?" Later I found self-love concept then I know I am worthy. So, instead of asking that question which sounds like a pathetic one-sided love, or asking "what did he do to deserve me?" which sounds like I'm a cocky bitch, I was asking "How do we do to deserve each other?" A relationship is about equality, right? And another thing for me is....I don't what to settle for less.
Gue lagi di usia yang kalo dari teorinya Erickson ada di tahap intimacy vs isolation. No wonder sometimes gue tuh ada keinginan buat punya partner in relationship context. Sebenernya dari dulu ada, but nowadays I started to use my brain to think rationally. This might be a part of growing up process. Once I used to think "how do I deserve someone that I like?" Later I found self-love concept then I know I am worthy. So, instead of asking that question which sounds like a pathetic one-sided love, or asking "what did he do to deserve me?" which sounds like I'm a cocky bitch, I was asking "How do we do to deserve each other?" A relationship is about equality, right? And another thing for me is....I don't what to settle for less.
Finally, for my crush for the last almost 4 years, I think from now on I shouldn't keep this feeling by myself anymore. Aku butuh orang yang ngga cuma bisa bikin aku excited sendiri doang. Bahkan di kondisi aku yang kayak gini, aku ngga cuma butuh orang yang bisa menguatkan aku, tapi juga bisa meyakinkan aku kalo aku lagi goyah. And you might be not the one, dear. I wish we always find our happiness in our own way.
