So many things happened for this last 2 months. Well, I’ve just lose my father forever. I would post that story some other time. But, the one thing that I am going to say here is…It’s not easy, to lose one of your important person in your life. Even when I remind of him this time, I am still sad even I shed my tears. The breakdown moments happened so many times. But this time, I would to thank to myself for hanging in there and always trying to get back on my feet despite countless getting up and falling down moments. Thanks for Izza’s December 2019 version, who has been more open and caring and accepting her own self. I love you…always!
Za, remember how you treat yourself even in the beginning of this year? Yes, you’re so harsh, judgmental to your own self, even blaming yourself. That’s fine, at least you were learning and trying to respect yourself until this minute. Keep respecting and loving yourself first, okay? Keep enjoying everything process of your growth being an adult.
Being more open to myself makes me find some new insights about myself that I never realized before. “Well, I’m just this type of person”. During this year, I was trying to discover myself more than I did last year. You know what, this age makes me feel like I’m still at a crossroad and still confused which way I should choose to go. No wonder losing important person as my guide to choose my way ofcourse makes me down first. But later I realized that finally it will be up to me, as the owner of those feet to walk, deciding which way that I would go and feeling those awaiting experiences.
By the way, speaking about this year, I guess it’s truly feels like a roller-coaster. Starting from early year, I was excited for joining a new start up even I started to build high expectation there. What happened back then? I was kicked out of there and dealt with my disappointment. In the middle of this year, I was excited because I had a nice lebaran moment with my big family. And to the end of this year, I was broken by sudden loss which made me hardly found another exciting moment to cherish this year. Uncertainties, rejection, loss, overwhelming negative emotions, uncomfortable feelings and break down moment become things which I feel their existence more rather than happiness itself. Sounds negative, doesn’t it? I’m sorry, I was trying to be honest here.
Well, let’s see good things I’ve got this year. Besides self-acceptance that I was trying to do along this year, I’m grateful to be surrounded by kind people. And this time I’d like thank to you guys for being there when I was on my difficult situation. Thanks for understanding me. Don’t be bored when I distract you with my silly questions, random thoughts even loud cries. Love you, guys!
Back to New Year resolutions topic. I am a type of person who always make some goals to drive my life where should I take to. The bad side of me, sometimes, I feel some pressures whenever I can’t accomplish it well. It makes me dissatisfied with my life too. I pondered deeply. Firstly, I think this time I’d like to try new formula for next year, which I am not going to make any fantastic goals. But later, I think differently, like I said before, I’m a type of person who always make plans as a guide to do my things all the time. What if I walk without directions? I’m afraid I’ll get lost. However, the other side of me feels some insecurities. Well, honestly, I was still trying to find the best formula for myself next year. I am still healing myself which is so fragile like a broken glass. I guess it’s going to be my top priority to be heal myself first and I am going to live following the flow but still trying everything with my best. Sounds good, huh? Wish me luck anyway!
I don’t know how to wrap up this post. But certainly I have many hopes for next year. I hope everything will works out, my life get poured with love, happiness and bless. For my career life, I hope I get a new opportunity to develop myself in working environment. For my health, I hope I stay fit and healthy physically and mentally. And for my love life, please no more lonely, no more just me (I type these while jamming Jojo’s song, titled no more say goodbye, LOL).
Well, 2019. I know I lost several things, but I found myself again. Thank You, next!
